Healing is an ever evolving and expansive modality, and one that’s deeply subjective.  It will mean something different to everyone as it will require something different for all who seek it.

Therefore, holding space for healing to take place is complex and there is a lot more involved than you may think.  Creating a loving and alchemic space is so much more than consciously calling people into circle or ceremony whilst spouting a few words of wisdom and waving a feather wand around, which is how it may look on the surface.

Healing is continuing to support the friend who does all the taking whilst you do all the giving, because you can see the triggered growth.  It’s the causes you champion and support even though they don’t return the energy exchange, because you believe in their roots and wider benefit.  It’s the candles you light behind the scenes for those in pain without making it onto your social media show reel.  It’s the divine material you channel and make your own, rather than someone else’s craft passed off as your ‘weekly wisdom’.   It’s the blessings you send out to an unknowing collective to aid a global ascension.  It’s the silent tears you cry for a burning rain-forest or the unprotected animals.  It’s the relationships you eventually walk away from to begin work on your own wounds so as to limit collateral damage to others.  It’s the distressed strangers on a train you send distant love and light to comfort.   It’s the flower remedies you take or the soul journeys you travel on behalf of those around you who are unwilling to change.

It’s the ancestral wounds you inherited and vow to break rather than continue to pass down the maternal and paternal lines.  It’s the channelled words you share outside your comfort zone because your guides say the world needs to hear them.  It’s the free online content you provide via social media, blogs and chance meetings that yield comfort and emotive thought to someones day.  It’s the discounts or free space you gift to those who need it more than they know.  It’s the free hugs, the extra time, the finest tea and the heartfelt space you give to those drawn to your light and work.  It’s forgiving others who will never understand the magnitude of the gesture.  It’s taking responsibility for your actions, even when you’re hurt.  It’s learning how to love yourself when those around you can’t.   It’s shining your light, speaking your truth and presenting co-creation even when it triggers, receives conflicting opinion or isn’t understood.  It’s all of this, and so very much more.

Makes you think doesn’t it?

When you’re called into service, despite vowing that it will be a part time venture, you make a subconscious decision to dedicate your every being to this way of life.  It’s a silent contract that means you will never be able to choose your hours, rules of employment or hand in your notice, as you will forever be serving a higher power that knows what’s best for you.    You sign up to put more love into the world than you’re ever likely to get back, and once you move through your ego you become comfortable with that exchange.  Because you start to appreciate that you made an unbreakable pledge in many lives previous, that you will heal, grow and find your authentic self no matter what the cost in this lifetime.  In my case, illness and isolation.

When you take the first step on a healing journey you will never be able to step back into comfort or be able to be a half-assed version of yourself ever again.  You will no longer be able to ignore your gut, or else the universe will harshly intervene to cut the cords for you.  You will no longer be able to live small, in ego or conform to the invisible ‘rule-book for good people’.  And when you hold space for others on that journey then these unspoken expectations magnify, have (biodegradable) glitter on top and bells and whistles to boot!

With that comes repetitive challenges, and at times relentless testing.  Bringing with it suppressed insecurities and internal battles you thought you had fought and won.  This can be exhausting, isolating and often the root definition of healing!

But with this journey also comes an immeasurable euphoria and a freedom of self.  A nirvana of the highest order, deeper connections and an everlasting gratitude of self and in turn the rest of the world.  It’s the release of material gratification, sought out validation, ego-living and surface happiness.  It’s a medicine for the soul that no Dr or Chemist could ever prescribe.  It’s the best feeling in the world, it’s the feeling of self-mastery.

To be a channel/healer/light-worker/shaman/*insert word here* you have to take care of yourself.  You have to be willing to take yourself from a wounded healer to an awakened being, for which the goalpost will continually move inline with your new and unique skill-sets, tribes and lessons.  The end result will shake with every lower vibration, retrograding planet or challenging astrological house sign.  As you transform and are attuned to new energetic frequencies, you will need to find stronger spiritual defences, be even kinder to yourself and often need to take extended time out from social media, people and helping others.

When you are an empath and live with a chronic illness such as myself, this makes the journey that much more painful and requires even more solitary self-care as I am beginning to learn.

As an empath you are further affected by the decisions of world leaders, by the cries of the planet, by the vibration of the collective and alike. Which means that it’s a necessary part of ‘the job’ to take extended periods of isolation to go deeper into this work.  Taking a break isn’t always about taking a physical vacation, although sometimes that’s part of it, but it’s more about taking time to process, to integrate and to understand your own triggers and wounds so that in turn you can hold space for others to heal.

There is no doubt about it that this is the down side of being in service, and it’s so deeply painful at times.

I used to see taking a break as weak.  Especially as it tends to follow repeated dark nights of the soul inevitably experienced through ignoring my body, synchronised signs and my intuition.   But I’m beginning to realise that in order to evolve my work I must first evolve myself.  My mind, my body and my soul.  I must detox, cleanse and completely reset my chakric system and auric field so that I am more aligned with my path and guidance.  I must be willing to revisit the heavy karmic ties of my heart.

At times I have felt that I would love to run away from all this and start again. Go back to an office job or only agree to do reiki on a small scale. Part of me has wanted to gift myself a whole year off to go on a personal pilgrimage deep into the woods and shut off from everyone and everything, just so I could rest properly and hear myself think. But that’s not me. And my guides won’t allow that. So instead I have to compromise because they’re now saying it’s time to listen and it’s time to rebuild, for there are many blocks within my work and within my tribe.

I am following the path of a channel and I am not where I consciously started this journey 5 ish years ago, and a long time before that with my eyes wide shut. Almost everything that I say and I do is coming from an ascended place, higher than I can often translate into 3D words or understand at times.

It’s no longer a therapy or a practice inherited from books or teachers, it’s the unscripted work of my heart and soul.

So perhaps I have been a fool to think that smudging my home, using protective practices that I was first taught for hourly therapeutic work, and the odd meditation would be enough to provide great spiritual defences anymore.

I am a being of light that is expansive and ever-evolving, therefore I need to do a lot more within my basic foundations to grow and to protect myself.  That includes releasing worry what others think or how my events/words/work are interpreted, as it seems the more I grow the more I lose followers, the less attendance I have in ceremony and the more opinion I receive.

This realisation came as a huge wake up call and attack to the soul on my recent Samhain tea ceremony.  When I unexpectedly had to close my circle early following repeated verbal abuse from others who had also booked the space for their event expecting to be alone, unbeknown to us all.

 

I realised in that moment just how alone and out of my depth I felt, as I am the channel and the entire events team for my business…Honeysuckle is just me!  I am not headed up by a committee or on a conscious healing journey with a business partner, I am everything and I live and learn from my mistakes.

I felt out of my depth as I was in shock from what happened and wide open through channelling and holding a calming space that was attacked repeatedly with aggression and anger.  Taken a back,  I wasn’t able to articulate what my higher self knew to those shaken souls in attendance, which was that this experience was actually a learning tool for us all, and healing that you couldn’t put a price on!

For me it evoked physical fear as one of the ‘gentlemen’ (and I use that word politely and loosely) shouted inches from my face, as well as unearthed a great impostor syndrome, resentment towards those who I felt had put me in that situation and above all else guilt.  Guilt as I felt responsible and embarrassed that my circle didn’t deliver what I had promised.  I don’t mind admitting that the situation was the straw that broke the camels back and made me see what I had been ignoring for too long out of loyalty.

The experience was an opportunity for growth for all of us, which is after all what we signed up for, as no-one said healing would be all love and light.  The way we individually felt and reacted in that situation was showing us exactly what it was time to release and what emotions were holding us back.  Furthermore, it was completely out of my control so should therefore be no reflection on me.

Nonetheless, I saw in that very moment that I was done with serving others for the time being, and instead I wanted to strengthen my defences so that I couldn’t be affected that deeply again.  I wanted to expand my aura from energy attacks and opinion.  I wanted to take a deeper look at who I was supporting and travelling with at this stage of my evolved journey.  I wanted to gift the love and healing to myself, for it was clearly so long overdue.

Making my decision to take a break publicly, and without the initial need to explain why, received an overwhelming amount of love and support, some of which from people I never even knew followed my work.  After such an unsettling Hallows experience, this unexpected lifeline of kindness restored my faith in the world and indeed my own work.  But of course it also received opinion, gossip and highlighted the people and places I have now outgrown.  It also allowed others to play down this role as though they were one up on me by realising I needed a break, this is ego living!  But I realised that ‘taking a break’ merely means taking a break from social media, gifting everything I mentioned in the opening paragraphs and no longer holding space, it doesn’t mean stopping this work, infact it means doing more.   But that’s the nature of this role, it is a platform that will always receive critique and opinion, and those that think healing is something you just one day master.

But I choose to do things differently.  I choose to be more vulnerable, honest and to change the way we see healing, which should be a country mile from the world of hierarchy, shadow-free light and show reels.  The channels I am drawn to are changing things and work towards this vision I have.  The world is changing because healers and channels are changing. There is a gaping and obvious difference between those who are awake and in this for the long haul, and those who see this as a part time journey of bandwagons to jump on.   These channels are ‘a bit of me’ and they share their lows as much as their highs for they speak honestly about their triggers. They evolve from them and they bring this awareness into circle.

They are called into this work and are unwilling to go around it, for they are brave enough to go through it.

For this reason, they will not be able to relentlessly serve without having to stop.   And these are the people I want to receive healing from, I want to be taught by, I want to sit in circle with and who I want in my tribe.   People who take responsibility for their blocks and triggers and know when it’s time to stop and to regroup.

In the weeks that have followed Samhain,  I can see the many blessings in what happened.  Namely that I can now take some time out for myself, to re-establish a committed Honeysuckle Tribe when I return and to break links to people and causes that no longer serve me.  But what’s been more beneficial is the realisation that I need to rebuild,  I need to raise my vibration and I need to have stronger defences.

It has taken me weeks to write this blog as I wanted to be sure that I am writing it for the right reasons.  That I am not doing it out of retaliation for what happened or that I am not justifying my actions or need to take time out.  As always, I write from a point of healing to help others.  From now on I trust that those who take the time to read my blogs and indeed are still here following me on the other-side of my break are meant to be here.  I trust the organic restructure that will come from this.

I can’t say when I will be back or in what capacity, and I am sure the winds of change will carry me through many directions in the new year.

But this is what authenticity looks like.  This is what channelling looks like.

Thank you for your continued love and support.  See you on the other side!

Yours in love and light,

 

 

 

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